Goodness it is good.
I have seen it play out in the lives of others all around me.
But is it really amazing for me?
Honestly, any time someone asks, “What’s your story?” I kick them and run. (extra much? Always.)
I’ve never really thought that my life was a good picture of God’s grace. Never thought it gave a good picture of why God gave it all, gave his very child, for us.
My life is a picture of God’s grace both for me and towards me.
To start, I grew up knowing Jesus. My family loved him deeply, and between a christian school, church, Awanas, and every other super southern bible thing I was thrown into, I chose to have a relationship with him pretty young.
Looking back, how sweet. Jesus said, “let the little children come to me,” and I accepted that grace with the type of faith only a child can have.
I was trusting and believed in magic. I was enthusiastic and fearless.
And then I started to grow up.
Now, I don’t have a story of running away and chasing other things. I had seen that over and over in the lives of others around me, and I decided that I didn’t want part of that pain that came for so many people I loved.
But somewhere along the line, I did start to believe that same grace I watched come in and change those sweet people’s lives, wasn’t there for me.
So I tried to earn that grace. And If you asked me, I was pretty good at it, because I was pretty good. And as my childlike acceptance of free grace, due to none of my own doing dwindled, so did my childlike faith.
My enthusiasm faded as I faded into the background noise of the world around me, content to be quiet and morph into who others thought I to be.
My fearlessness gave way to fear, and it took over my world. Anxiety became a constant companion which in turn, dwindled my belief in magic, because I got to a point that I was desperate for a miracle, and that wasn’t happening.
And all of this is wrapped up into the fact that I didn’t trust him.
I didn’t trust that he was good.
I didn’t trust his grace in my life.
And so began a somewhat recent journey to figure that out.
Because I am not going to follow a God that I do not trust.
Lucky for me, I found out quickly that God is big enough for my doubts and questions. He didn't make me to follow blindly, in fact, he gave me a will and with that I wonder.
In his grace and mercy, he showed me patience as I questioned who he was, as I questioned his goodness.
I asked him to show me if he was good.
And he did.
I asked him to show me his grace and goodness in the beautiful, because that’s an easy place to start, and slowly I began to see that it was there.
And a flicker of that childlike faith began to burn in my heart again.
And then ever so slowly, I asked him to show me his goodness and grace in the difficult. In the questions of, “where were you?” “where are you?” “why didn’t you?”
Where are in the midst of the chose in the world?
Where were you when anxiety took over my body, making it hard to breathe?
Where are you when the people I love get used and abused?
Where were you when my first baby left my body?
Why didn’t you make it stop?
And God continued to whisper and I finally began to listen to him say,
I was there.
I am here.
And I am good.”
And as those whispers began to take root in my heart, I began to see and feel the reality of it all around me.
That goodness he is good, and full of kindness and goodness, and grace for me. That he doesn’t fall off of his throne, no matter the seeming chaos that circles around me.
My trust in him deepened as I realized my dependency of him. I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t be good enough, I needed and need his sweet grace every day.
Every single day.
And now, I believe that to my core. Those attributes of my childlike faith are coming back and changing the person I am into the person he created me to be.
A person who is trusting in the midst of the good and the bad.
A person who enthusiastically shares his goodness and grace.
A person who once again believes in the magic of miracles.
A person who recognizes and is so grateful for the grace given to me.
How sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost,
But now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.