You Hurt Me

Every week, sweet Matt edits these things for me. Usually he is super kind and encouraging, until last week. I wrote, "When Matt and I started dating, I was a mess." Home boy got to that part of the text and laughed and gave a hearty "AMEN!" Punk. Unfortunately, I didn't have any anger to stand on because it was true, and that poor sweet man put up with a whole lot of crazy. The first day I met him I literally ran away from him... twice. What can I say, I make one heck of a first impression. 

The summer we met was a rough one for me. Work, family, boys and friends were all in disarray, and then to top it off, I broke my foot.

I broke my foot thanks to low water and the desire for a picture. Priorities. 

I broke my foot thanks to low water and the desire for a picture. Priorities. 

This was, however, the first time in my little life, that I actually started to address those issues and voiced the feelings that went along with them.

Iv'e stated before that I used to avoid emotions at all cost. It was not just emotions, but really feelings in general and voicing them to others. In my head, 'aint nobody got time for that,' and I lived by that motto for a good little while. Somewhere along the way, I rooted in my soul the lie that telling others how I felt gave them power over me. That scared the hell out of me, so I avoided it.   

The summer before I met Matt, Jesus stepped in and in a very painful yet gentle way, he began shaking those lies out of me. There was a boy, and I was the girl, can I make it any more obvious? (Yes I did just quote Avril Lavigne, and I made myself laugh while doing so.) I got hurt and became angry and tried to fall back into my normal "forget you" pattern of life. This was one of the few times in my life when I felt that God wanted me to do something very specific. In this case, speak. And for the first time, during a painful interaction with someone else, I did just that. Saying the words, "I am hurt," turned out to be some of the most freeing words I have spoken to another person. I found that instead of feeling that he now had power over me, I was free. Silence is bondage, speaking is freedom. Through that I learned that I could survive heart ache, and I could also let others be a part of it with me. I allowed my sweet sister in to figure life out with me. I felt supported and loved, which was polar opposite of how I always believed I would feel.

I would like to say the conversation went perfectly and we became best friends forever, but life. When God calls me to hard things, it does not mean they will turn out the exact way I think would be perfect. His perfect way turned up two weeks later in the form of a hot surfer boy. Without a summer of hurt, I would have in no way been ready for Matt. Funny how God's time seems to always work out, it's like he plans it or something.