I’m currently on a plane. According to the captain, “Today is not a great day to be flying over the East coast.” I do not love flying.
You know what else I don’t love, the thought of having a baby. (How is that for a Segway?)
I want to be honest about my thoughts and feelings about planning a family, because I know I can’t be the only one out there who is freaking the freak out. (Or maybe I am, in which case judge away!)
It started a few months ago. I have shared in other posts how I have many REGERTS about how I have not done a great job fully being present in the current stages of life.
Well, I have been on a mission to change that.
So here is my here and now: I am young and I like my husband as much as I love him. We both have jobs that we love and people around us that we adore.
I can say with joy I love the stage of life that I am in.
So much so that I think I decided I never want to leave it. Because kids ruin your life, or so I'm constantly told, and that has to be the next step.
So I decided not to step. Ever. Sorry mom.
Kids scare me. Pay no mind to the fact that I have 18 of them to my name Monday-Friday. Your kid I’m great with. It’s mine that I'm unsure about. Plus I have dreams and plans of what I want my life to look like, all of which will get flushed down the toilet when a baby pops out (hopefully not in said toilet.)
I am terrified of messing up a kid. I can do my best and that sweet baby will still have wounds to work through as an adult. I should set up a therapy fund now.
You know what else freaks me out?! Picking a name. I will have the responsibility for naming another human. Where is the line between unique and stripper? I am unsure.
I have a job to take into account as well with kids that look up to me and depend on me to make sure they are both well rounded, kind, and independent people, and at the same time that they do not sniff the scented markers too long.
Over the summer Matt and I talked in depth about when to have kids. He told me that he is ready and excited but he is also good to wait until I am ready. He said that he truly feels that it is going to have to be a me and Jesus decision.
Well in that case, NOPE. Kids ruin lives.
I have spent the past 6 months freaking out and pushing back our “start trying date.”
Then the other day I randomly asked Matt honestly his thoughts. He has been quiet about the matter in hope to not sway or push me. He is kind.
He is also so ready. He wants to be a younger dad, and lets be honest, he is pushing it! He wants to be able to play and be intimately involved in their lives. He is excited to see the person that we create together.
And then all at once God kindly and gently showed me how selfish I was being. Go back and reread this. I never once said “we”, only ever “I”. I have been planning and fearing all around myself through this whole decision. I never once took into account my sweet husband. I never took into account our sweet community that is thrilled for us and would be there to support us the whole way through.
I’m not trusting the God who would make that sweet baby in the first place. It’s his right? We are just borrowing it.
I might not be ready, but I think we could be.
And the more ready “we” feel, the more excited I get.
I can’t live my whole life in the fear that others around me speak.
It’s not my fear to take on.
So we have officially decided to start trying. Here’s to hoping that Baby Nations makes a grand debut in 2017.
And here is also to the therapy fund that will be started immediately.