Year Two of Marriage Was Not Comfortable.

The past few weeks have been heavy for me. I wouldn’t say bad necessarily, because God is good and hope is shining through all of the yucky stuff. Still, the emotions that I felt, both good and bad, have been a lot. As I tried to navigate that, I missed a post last week and I was not a big fan of that. Sorry folks.

In the midst of all the heaviness, Matt and I celebrated our two year anniversary! I have been married for two whole years as of Tuesday, so clearly I am now an expert in all things marriage, and while the second part of what I just said is far from true, the first part is indeed a fact. We are now 5 days into our third year of marriage, and seeing as I am still a big fan of him, I would say we are killing it.

To celebrate our first year of marriage, some sweet friends gave us their timeshare in Orlando for the weekend. We spent most of the ride up there reminiscing on the past year. Conversation included but was not limited to the best moments, the hardest moments, the saddest moments, and the funniest moments. We eventually decided that we would describe year 1 as ‘fun’. We had a blast. We laughed all the time played lots of games (battleship is one of our favorites. Yes we might be 80.) and really enjoyed being best friends.

On Tuesday, in the midst of a crazy life we managed to find some time to sit and be together. We were recently gifted a couch for our porch, and it has quickly become our favorite place. If you cannot find me, I am probably there with my nose in a book (the book I referred to last time was one of a series that has what feels like 300 books. Matt asks me how my ‘friends’ are in reference to the book… I may have a problem….)

There is a different feel about this past year. It was still fun and I enjoy being married to my best friend (sometimes I do find myself saying, “Eww! I live with a booooy!”), but there was a little something else this time.

The second year of marriage was comfortable. Not in a complacent comfortable, but in a comfortableness that I am not sure I have ever fully experienced.

I have grown increasingly and surprisingly comfortable with dancing. I am not a great dancer. I get that from my dad who, bless his little heart (I was told if you say this before insulting someone, the insult doesn't count) cannot keep a beat. Mom has banned him from clapping in public places. Not only can I not dance, but I have never had the confidence to not care and have fun with it. I use to avoid dancing because it felt silly. Then year 2 hit and I no longer had an option. We dance in our apartment ALL THE TIME. Our downstairs neighbors probably hate us. Again, I don’t dance well, but I this past year I have found myself comfortable enough to break that fear and dance like a fool, and I love it! I was at a wedding recently and I was dancing like I had ants in my pants. Someone came over to me and said that they wanted to dance by me because I looked fun. That was a first! It might sound silly, but because of the comfort that I felt with Matt and with looking silly and not caring with Matt, I found a new freedom to not care what others think, but instead shake my tail feathers and enjoy.

I found myself becoming comfortable with hard conversations. Let me make one thing clear, I hate confrontation. Once I heard someone say, “I am like the runaway bride of confrontation.” and I really liked that. I have had horrible experience with it and prefer to just not. That, shockingly enough, made year one a bit difficult with Matt. He is a fixer and I am an avoider; a match made in heaven. My response to hard conversations use to be physically running away. I would have to force myself to sit and talk to Matt while inside I just wanted to run out the door. I also was not good at bringing up things. Poor guy would have to guess what it was because I was too scared to start the conversation.

This past year I felt a shift in that. I think it happened for a few reasons. I think one thing that helped was that hard conversations happened frequently enough that I got a lot of positive experience with confrontation with my husband. We got to talk through problems and over and over I watched it work out well. The lies of confrontation always ending horribly and it never working out were proven wrong and that was sweet for my heart. I also found that shockingly enough, he could not always read my mind. I began to share what I was feeling slowly and he was kind and celebrated that in me. What is celebrated gets repeated, so the next time I felt a little braver to start conversations. I became comfortable and confident with Matt and secure in the fact that hard conversations usually end in very sweet ways.  

Intimacy is being fully known and fully accepted without the fear of rejection. I think this past year I began to really experience that and watch that play out in my own marriage. The intimacy I found with Matt gave my spirit a contentment and level of comfort with both myself and him that I have not experienced before. I felt freedom and life in that, and for that we celebrate! There are still areas in which I would love to get more ‘comfortable’ with, but seeing as I have forever to go, I am trying to pace myself.  

I told Matt that I thought comfortable was a good word to describe our second year of marriage. He said that it was too formal sounding, not fun enough, and had too many sy-laaa-bles. He proposed ‘comfy’ because it “just feels right.” So year two of marriage was not comfortable, it was comfy. Here’s to year three.