Let me be honest with you, this was one of the hardest topics for me to talk about for a long time. Like a very long time. I was talking to a sweet friend the other day and I was trying to explain to her just how bad I was at it. Just then Matt walked up and I asked him, “1-10 how bad did I use to be at talking about sex?” Apparently he was wearing his sassy pants because he began doing the math in his head and writing it out in the air. “Let’s see. Carry the 3. Take away four, bring down the 9…. negative 14.” Yeah, that sounds about right!
When Matt was in college, one of his professors gave everyone a list of 400 questions to go through with their significant other before getting married. It covered everything, and we loved going through them! They asked so many questions that brought about great conversations that probably would not have happened otherwise simply because we didn’t think about having them. They addressed everything from beliefs to finances, from personal fears to motivation, growing up to raising kids. There was a section in the middle that asked questions that had to do with sex. We use to pick random numbers and talk about whatever question we landed on. Needless to say, I memorized the sex section and avoided it like the plague.
I could talk about sex somewhat with my friends, as long as it had more to do with them and their stories. I was not, however good at talking to Matt or other women about it, and that greatly negatively impacted many of my relationships.
Why is it so hard to talk about? And why is it especially hard for girls? Matt has had the chance to talk to many guys about it, and through honest conversations really cool things have happened in many people’s lives and relationships. I do not see those same conversations happening with the women around me.
Why is there such a silencing shame that encoumpasses sex, especially for girls? I have found, that the more I speak to other sweet girls, the more freedom is found. I was sitting on my back porch with a friend one night and I went on a rant about how I wish so much that sex was more of a conversation among unmarried girls in the church. She turned to me and said, “Ok fine, I’ll go for it.” It was one of my favorite conversations because it was real. It was not fake or protected, but rather open and honest.
It is not her fault for feeling the initial need to protect herself. That is what she has been told. I was told that daily one way or another. I was told it in the glances that I saw people give to girls in high school. I was told that in the hushed rumors that spread like wildfire. I was told that as I read rulebooks that outlined expulsion for pregnancy.
I want to be clear. I do believe that sex was designed for a marriage relationship. I have experienced personally the freedom and grace that is found with sex in marriage. I have heard story after story echoing the same thing of freedom and joy that is found as opposed to the shame and guilt that used to ring true.
I do however also believe that more conversations should be had. I want so badly for my life to look even a little bit like Jesus. What I see in Jesus is kindness and truth.
He sees people and chooses their hearts over their choices.
He does not guilt or shame. He spent time with people, and loved them. He did not scare people into choosing the life he originally intended. He loved them to it, and in those moments and in those conversations different choices began to be made.
Sex should not be a conversation that elicits fear, like it did for so long in me. It should be a conversations that reaches the heart of the person. I have had more funny, uplifting, encouraging, and inspiring conversations that started with sex than most other topics. Don’t get me wrong, there have also been difficult, painful, and devastating conversations around the same topic, but man, in the end of the day, at least we talked. Because when voices start speaking, lies start silencing, and the grace that has always been offered, is slowly but surely accepted.