Good Morning God,
As this week of baby-making continues,
I so badly want to trust you.
Can I trust you and your timing and still be hopeful of this timing?
Because I am hopeful,
But every time I feel hope I also feel a slam of what I call
"Reality" that is really
I feel my body and heart tense and tighten,
Like bracing myself for a punch I am praying against.
So I've set you up to lose.
Because you either act according to the timeline I deem fitting and gracious,
Or I interact with you as beaten and bruised.
Part of my says, "Why can't I believe it will work?"
Why can't I dream and imagine and plan
You split the seas so I could walk right through them.
You drown my fears in perfect love.
I have spent most of my life believing you can and
And as I have dove into you and your character, I have found
You are a good, good Father.
You can and you will.
Until I [need] you to, then
But why do I [need] you to?
I don't need it.
My heart wants it,
But so does yours.
And while my life is measured by minutes, weeks, cycles,
You are not.
You want this for us.
Because it is really for you anyways.
And since you aren't measured in time,
I am going to stop measuring your goodness on my time.
Because 400 years later,
You were still good.
And like that babe,
When I hear mine cry for the first time,
Even as I wrote this, I was not sure that I could truly feel at peace with whatever happens.
But shockingly enough, God was kind, and from that day forward my heart has calmed and my constant need to grasp at control has gone away.
His heart for me is good, and my heart for him is becoming more sure and steady.